I’m starting to see things I didn’t see before. I still see anger in places. I still don’t know if it’s real.
Luttrell in Sac tomorrow night. They aren’t talking about mask policy so I don’t know if I will go. I mean, I am vaccinated, fully.
He plays mostly deepish (not that deep) lovey dovey a little spacey house. Kind of higher frequency in general on the drums, not like high high frequency, but a lot of percussive sounds beside the beat and synth(s). Seems to be from the sample I’ve taken so far anyway.
And it’s only an hour away. Neato!
Well what do I mean…
It seems the world responds to my thoughts. Or my thoughts of the world respond to my thoughts. It’s odd. Google can’t be that smart. It can’t read my mind. Its predictive analytics can’t see my future.
Or else, it’s over, and all is scripted.
I don’t know. I’m a little love drunk right now.
All these cold, analytical terms.
All this death, in my mind. The death of my heart. Death of emotion. Death of feeling.
I suppose the company might only sue out of necessity. Perhaps.
I’ve been struggling with some depressive pangs lately.
Also, like, the restlessness. Havin to move around a lot, not being able to sit still for very long, still, again.
We’re increasing my propranolol.
I mean yeah, it is. Medicine is like, why would you hate on it. It’s the culmination of so much science and progress. I don’t know why people hate on it.
I’m just sitting here. Know that where normally I hammer out a post in a few minutes, it’s been a good ten so far.
Wow amazing isn’t it. So amazing.
I don’t know how to explain what I’m going through. It’s 10:32 AM on a weekday Wednesday, middle of the workweek, and I’m listening to https://open.spotify.com/track/64p35YJno3e7XbiLTuYANv?si=e68fa27cabc54a46. So.
Browsed through some retro video games. Where PS2 can be called retro? I don’t know, man.
The hints in my voice. Have I calmed down yet?
And the people stand back.
Lost so many.
There’s always a problem. It’s always a problem. In my mind.
It’s never just okay. I can’t be calm anymore. My brain absorbs the chaos and destruction around me like a sponge.
I have no explanation for this.
I better go…