general update

A little morning update now that I can. I still find typing difficult and there are some “psychic” phenomena I have to deal with from time to time. Twitch is still a very big trigger.

Yesterday was huge akathisia, lots of having to move around the house back and forth for no reason. I found solace in doing video recordings of my poetry on the computer using a new mic i bought.

I think the depression may be relieving a little, as the withdrawal from the propranolol settles itself. I’m at 50 mg of that now. Is it safe to give away your prescriptions on the internet, btw? I don’t see why it wouldn’t be. But I’m anonymous here. I have the anonymity filter on WP up, plus a VPN. So I should be safe.

I feel dead. I don’t know what to do.

I’m worried my real manager (not my interim task manager who bosses me around, but the big hauncho) will not approve of the work I have done. That I haven’t done enough of it, to be precise. That I am not trustworthy or something. She is a sweet lady, scientist, very well trained and professional. A little strict, too strict, but that’s ok. I don’t think they’re going to rehire me for this position. But that could just be me being negative. Maybe they really do need someone to help them with all the tasks, even if it means I’m not working a strict 9-5 schedule but with holes here and there, entire days of not doing that much. My manager would not approve, but, I guess she can’t control the flow of the work, really. What needs to be done needs to be done, and all else is empty. Something like that? Not poetic enough?

I yelled at someone on WP here recently. Ugh. I was having a psychotic episode so I was scared and thought they were attacking me. Well. I need to work out with my therapist what to do in situations like that. Probably best to stay off the computer, for starters, definitely off the internet at the least, and be quiet as possible. Do not start conversations. Or maybe just stay off the computer. Hmm.

My left ankle is still recovering from the sprain, my right foot pinky is recovering from the fracture or stub.

I feel so bad for not working hard enough.

I don’t want life to change. I’m so scared.

Adieu.

varjak

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