I’m just here to hang out. No rush, no stress, forget you even know the word stress. Cuz fuck that is ridiculous.

Fucked in the ass a couple long ones.

May right? May may?

AAfffffffllllll.

Okay.

My job is to stay calm.

But my doctors only do minimal assistance.

I have no other resources for staying calm.

There’s some meditation trash and breathing exercise recommendations all over the fucking filth dirt trash earth. What can I say.

I have so much freedom and good things. And I feel miserable. I choose to make my life worse with poisons like alcohol, previously drugs like marijuana and kratom. What happened. Why do I do this. I am forgiven over and over, and I continue to fuck up.

None of this makes any sense. How can my people be so forgiving. I’ve just today noticed that people are hugely forgiving. Have you noticed? I feel like I don’t fit in!

Ack. Work. Should be about done for the day, two hours in.

Tomorrow is the heavy labwork day. Lots of pipetting and operating machines and refilling supplies in the machines and loading samples and KEEPING EVERYTHING IN ORDER OR ELSE fuck fuck fuck it gets me so anxious. It’s not fair.

Why do I have to work.

Why do I have to stay at home all day. I want to go somewhere fun. But there IS nowhere fun! God damn it! What the hell! Fuck!

Seriously! This is, all of it, bullshit! I need a good movie or something to watch on my own today.

I watched the Martian with mom a week ago. God it was good. God me crying a few times, tears of SCIENCE. Pride for my discipline. Yep.

Well I don’t know if writing here is making it any better. But why is it some sort of riddle? That’s cruel and inhumane punishment, whoever decided to do that to me.

I’ll end this post for now.

I don’t know where to go or what to do.

Mom, help!@

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