I just don’t want to be psychotic, guys. That’s more or less it.

Everything else falls into place if I’m granted that one wish? You know why?

Cuz then I don’t have to be on antipsychotics, and then I don’t have akathisia, then I can focus on tasks without milling about restlessly, and I don’t have to worry about my liver damage. I won’t have to drink to find solace anymore. I won’t need antidepressants for the antiakathisia medication side effects fuck fuck meds to treat the side effects of meds to treat the side effects of meds. That is literally what my doctor had me doing for a while.

It’s insane. Psychiatry is not in a happy state. It’s not like, dialysis treatment, which is super-routine and laid out. Or like, what, I don’t know, what in medicine is super normal and easy to treat. I cant’ think of anything. Maybe all medicine is garbage. Who knows.

It’s 2 AM. I woke up at 1:30, got fucked because not sleepy anymore. I slept all day after my meeting ended at 3:15 yesterday. So, through the end of work. Yum. Time sleeping instead of working always feels good. Feels good to cheat The Man out of all his fraudulently acquired dolla dolla bills. :)

Deep down it feels terrible, of course. But you sort of develop a cutthroat mentality to The Man after a while of being exploited by Him. Y’know.

So I’d like to sleep. Or, I have this state of mind where I’m relaxed in bed for hours and not asleep. That is theeee beeeeeeeest. Oh god I wish to be in that state of mind right now. I took some melatonin. I forgot to take my propranolol yesterday again. It’s not for my blood pressure, it’s just for akathisia. It doesn’t work very well. That’s why I’m down to 40 mg of it. Eh.

I guessed I should take it and took it. The remaining 20 mg for yesterday 10 PM, closer to that than my next dose which means take it. 4 hr vs 6 hr away. Or 8.

My poetry youtube account got taken down. Darn! Funny. Because I put on photos as the cover to my videos. Ugh. Wasn’t aware that wasn’t allowed. It has to be “relevant” to the video. Strange. Not poetically so, I guess. But actually. No one likes poetic logic anymore. Every is narrow-minded. It’s true, when you think about it.

Fuck. I feel terrible. But I always feel terrible. My neurotransmitters are fucked from the meds. Proof of that: writing no longer feels good. Latuda is super-effective at killing my reward dopamine. Thank god for no more joy in life. JJ sarcasm. Fuck.

Oh well.

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