I think my brain is in panic mode. I feel trapped or constantly looking for something. I can’t quite put my finger on it. I drank last night two bottles of wine and shouldn’t have. One at most. Fuck.
Now I’m like, my blood pressure’s probably low is why I’m dizzy. But also something doesn’t feel right. I am simultaneously a pawn of the capitalist machine, but then again just doing my job. No hate there, amiright?
I wish mom was home so I could talk to her. I miss her. She’s at the doctors to diagnose a cough, doesn’t seem to be covid but maybe bronchitis or some throat irritation. No cold flu symptoms just a cough.
I think I got it. Had to go downstairs for a caffeinated coffee. Barfsville walking up the stairs already but managed to hold it down. Did have to go to the bathroom poop though.
So, I think, to describe it: I feel like I’m being tortured. Just, mere existence is torture. And it’s the fucking alcohol that poisoned me. My brain is not in a good spot right now. I should not be drinking with these meds. But I do! Fuck! That’s so dangerous! Plus it could pass me out or something, drop my blood pressure dangerously low. Fuck fuck fuck. I have to stop but I’m really having trouble. I don’t feel like attending those pissy therapy groups either. What a waste of time.
I am writing here in hopes it might change something in my brain, send some neurotransmitters somewhere or some shit. Fuck. I don’t know how it works.
Exercised yesterday and still felt pretty bad but just because of the akathisia, not notably depressed.
I have to go into lab to register and intake like 200 samples. Fuuuuuck. So much work. =(
I don’t know if I can handle this much longer. I need a break.
I just need some time out to detox and not work. But work my therapist says keeps me focused on something productive at least. I don’t know. I think I’m more of a free spirit but I suppose he could be right. I wish I were just free though.
I don’t know.
Any wisdom is appreciated. But I don’t want bad advice meddling in my life, either. Eh. Suddenly very scared of interference in my lifestyle. I don’t know.
Meeting people seems dangerous or something. Maybe that’s my problem. That perception.
Well anyway. I’m fucking fucked. Good day, sir or madame.