It’s hard. It’s hard living with family that is so anti-medicine and doesn’t understand basic science (statistics, the statistics behind statistical trials). They always blow side effect profiles out of proportion (there are side effects in a small minority of patients, so I WILL get the side effects–fucking what? that logic is gross).

The way they think is just disgusting. It’s like living with someone who eats like a pig at the table, except for me worse because it’s the way they think and I really am a thinker and pay attention to the way others think. Ugh. It’s fucking disgusting.

I have my appointment with my primary therapist tomorrow. I was mean to him in some messages. Mean and psychotic. Oh well. I managed to stay shut up for the last week or so.

I’m also sober two days now. Feels longer, but the last two days have been pretty long.

What else…

I’ll be starting ashwagandha tomorrow. For negative symptoms of the schizo- .

I tried to do my Kaggle 30 days of ML exercises today but I just fell another day behind. I’m like 4 days behind now. Womp. Fuck. I’m so upset with everything all the time. Life isn’t good. Life is not a good thing.

Mom talked to me about how some of her coworkers offspring are not as smart as me and did poorly in school and just end up working like at a department store or whatever and that’s it, that’s their career and that’s their income and that’s part of their life. That’s just it. Wow. Man. I don’t know. That’s sad.

That’s really, really fucking sad.

And I do NOT mean pathetic. I mean like it makes me cry. That they don’t get the opportunity that “smart” (What!? Biased much!?) children get. What the fuck?

Ugh. I need to stop crying so much. It’s like the only thing, besides my dreams during sleep, that feels good. Crying and dreaming. My two favorite things. I need to write a poem about this. All of this is so off-target. I can’t nail down what is important anymore. Nothing I say matters, in another sense.

And how like most people actually DON’T do well in school, and that’s why there’s so many like industry manufacturing and commerce jobs. Low-education-requirement jobs. Even I have a good education, and my job is menial more often than not. Why I’m having trouble with it–the menial part. Do I just not want to do it? Is this a legitimate reason to get ADA? I don’t know. I guess we’ll find out if it goes through or not.

I want to stop being recruited for biology 100% on-site lab roles and move to remote data science positions. But I am not well known as experienced in this. Probably because I’m not experienced in this. But studying with my conditions these days is so hard. Condition. So it’s a clusterfuck.

Dad wants me to give him his covid test, I’d rather not stick a nose swab up his nostrils. Not sure why he didn’t get a medical professional to do it.

And yeah. I’m still missing the elephant in the room. I don’t know what it is. It’s hard to find out, though. I know I’m missing it. I just know it. And it feels good to understand it, but it feels terrible not to.

I slept most of today. I had so many dreams. Heaven. And then waking up feels terrible. Reality is a paltry comparison to dreams. Why opiates are (were) so appealing to me. Sigh. I wish drugs could be managed. I wish the legal system could figure out how to get people okay with them. I don’t like modern culture. I belong in a tribe smoking ayahuasca and drinking peyote.

This post didn’t achieve much. More effort than reward, these days. Wish me luck. Or not. I’ve lost touch with my audience. I need to figure out how to advertise the literary magazine. Hmm. We had over a hundred hits on our Google business, though, which is pretty sweet. =)

Out of the deep dark well comes some solace. Oh boy. My favorite sauce.

bleh blehy blhe

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