I’m a little zoned out right now because I drank again last night. Too bad, I was sober for two days, could’ve kept the streak going. Oh well. I need to learn not to beat myself up for failing. No one supports me anymore. People are under the delusion that they support me–my therapist, my mother, other family, etc.–but they don’t. Not really.

I’m depressed, there’s nothing to do. I desperately want something fun to do, but nothing is fun.

Right now my mom’s paranoid they can lock me up in a mental ward if we switch doctors like they want me to so we have to switch to a doctor they don’t want me to. Genius, right? Fucking paranoid, and annoying. She runs and ruins my life. I’m so tired of my mother intervening in my decisions. I want my life back.

No response from Kaiser yet about my complaints. I sent them an email that I said like fuck it all, I just don’t want to be locked up, you guys are the doctors you prescribe me I don’t care what I’m on, just don’t lock me up. Literally what I said. So waiting for a response.

None of this matters though. Nothing is majestic or elegant anymore. There are no more grand theories. Nothing to wonder at in awe. Everything is small.

I don’t know how I’m going to survive today.

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