My father is a cheerful and active person, but I don’t think he can actually help me psychologically.

At this point I’m just rotting and waiting until my psychiatrist appointments in about a week.

I wonder what they will do.

I can’t go on SSRI’s because they increase my psychosis and at higher doses give me panic attacks.

I can’t go on lamictal because it irritates my skin.

SNRI’s, maybe?

Dunno.

Like what tool in her toolshed is honestly available at this point in time that could help me? I feel like there’s nothing left. I’ve never heard of anything left. A non-SSRI antidepressant? Does that exist? Besides lamictal.

Sigh.

The depakote was perfect, but it damaged my liver.

Fucking sucks.

I don’t know, man.

I don’t know.

Life is so meaningless.

I have this powerful pain in my brain non stop. It’s so unfair. I don’t know what to do.

Some people stay in bed all day, I guess.

I don’t know.

I guess they’re in pain, too.

I feign activity.

I go on the internet.

To delude myself into thinking I’m doing something.

I don’t want to study data science.

I don’t want to make computer games.

I’m so unmotivated.

I don’t know what to do.

Usually you finish an activity and then get like, a breather, like, Ahhh, finished with that. I feel accomplished.

I never feel accomplished. No matter what I do. I never get a break, I can never rest.

I’m going to die.

That’s all.

Rot.

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