I feel like a complete failure.
But my brain is also scattered.
Can I complete a single thought?
Where do I go to recollect myself?
I have therapy today but I can’t make it because I have to go for a walk with mom and my brother and maybe baby brother if he decides to join.
I don’t want to do my python data science training. I’m never going to be successful. What sort of career should I enjoy?
How do I feel good?
I’m starting to a little bit feel better.
I got off the propranolol, which might’ve been giving me depression as a side effect.
So hopefully it gets better.
I’m at only 1 mg risperidone also. 100 mg latuda, but only 1 mg risperidone.
So the akathisia should get better.
I want friends.
Is my mental model of the world too simple?
What is reality?
None of this matters.
I want art. I want poetry. I want good moments.
I guess the thing is it’s unreasonable to expect the engineering flat out nonstop of these golden moments.
They come, with a frequency, a probability, but even the best entertainer can’t make you laugh nonstop for years.
Or, maybe they can. I guess it takes teamwork.
I’ve not laughed for years.
Wow ambiguity in the statement there.
I want to make poetry friends. I want people who also understand that life has meaning. I don’t want to be all about this data science shit.
What the fuck.
Someone talk to me.
I’m so sorry. I’ll try to be less mean.
I’m a wanted criminal on some blogs. I said some really nasty stuff out there. Yikes. They remember me. For fucking sure they remember me.
I left. Sigh. At least I left.
I want the table cleared, I want my name righted, but they aren’t interested in that. They carry grudges and vengeance. Most people are very vengeful. People are not good things.
Or maybe that’s flat out not true.
My peepee has been irritated/tingling for a few days now. Like, the muscle in it is tense. It’s really uncomfortable. I don’t know what’s wrong. I think I’m dehydrated, maybe, or I drink too much coffee. That is probably all.
Where do I go to flex my engineering muscles?
I miss physics.
I don’t want to read. I fucking hate reading.
I’m so scarred by so many bad experiences.
I want to meet other smart people.
This is boring and we all know it.
No one wants to read what I have to say.
Shit in a bucket.
Shit in a biscuit.