I wonder. Is my life over? Do I live like this until I die, unchanging? Unemployed, searching for something desperately, slouching at the computer, not finding it?
I have less than one year of temporary disability. I don’t know what happens after that. I haven’t been paid yet. The state is interacting with my health insurance. They didn’t ask for any information beside the physician’s name! That’s so unprofessional.
I want something or someone just for me. Nothing and no one are just for me. Where do I find it?
Everything is wrong. People are yelling at me in my head because I’m writing.
I didn’t go out with my mother yesterday so she went to the book store and got a beverage herself. She prefers going with me. I think that means she loves me, that is to say, cares about me. Likes me, too. So. I wish I felt the same. She’s great, but I’m so tired of her. It’s sad, when you think about it. Really sad. I’m going to hurt her feelings so bad. I’ll try not to. But it can’t help but happen.
My life is pointless. What do I do.
I’m awake before my mother today. I’ve been sleeping too much lately. I take a nap 3-6 and then wake up a little, maybe keep sleeping. I sleep like half the day in other words. No way am I telling my doctor that; she’ll take away my hydroxyzine, and it’s so helpful. Doctors are stupid like that; they do damaging and unhelpful things all the time. She’s obsessed with me having a healthy sleep schedule.
I just wonder, when will something happen away from the computer. There are events every week we can go to in the city, but I’m scared of my akathisia and restlessness and impatience shutting off my ability to pay attention, and I’d just have to pace back and forth in the entryway for an hour. It’s not fair. I want to watch plays. I want to watch movies. I’m so robbed. I want to read books.
I wonder how long before the depression sets in today. I disappoint my mother so strongly. I also copped out on tennis yesterday with dad. I disappoint both the parents. They want to do things! I should reward that! But I just can’t sacrifice myself! I’d be miserable. I am miserable. It’s pointless.
I, uh, ah, what I want to say now, is something, relating, to you, the reader. Thank you, or, Hello, or, if there were a word in between thank you and hello, then that one.