I’m in a state of desperation. My parents are on my ass, they don’t even know it. They’re so stupid.
I have no home. I have no belonging. There’s nowhere for me to go. We have a park nearby but walking through nature is pointless and meaningless and unpleasant. Especially with mom. By myself would be the same. Maybe if I had a friend with me it could be okay. Someone who thinks in an interesting way. But I don’t have that. And even so, my reluctance to go out and do things would probably sink that plan in the water.
I’m trying to study some CSS on a Sunday. I don’t keep track of my time spent on this task, studying, but I put in some. It’s scary not knowing if I’m working hard or hardly working. I always crave feedback and reinforcement. But I’m not getting any, and I’m not giving myself any, and just fuck being at the computer gives me voices and I hear things and it’s so unpleasant. Fuck.
There’s just nowhere to go. Something in my life is missing, and I don’t even know what it is. Something went extinct and was forgotten. And I can sense it. I can sense that it’s missing. But, I mean, beside that, I don’t know… I have no information…
All these people who love nature. I fucking hate nature. What’s so great about it. It’s uncomfortable, hard work, and irritating. It’s stupid. Obviously don’t burn down the rainforest, we need oxygen you twats, but who goes on hikes and actually enjoys them. Fuck.
I must be in a deeper rut than normal. But I think the opposite is just true: People are fucking retards.
Maybe I’m the only sane one. For seeing things as they are.
Okay and now, I wrote a blog post, and my brain doesn’t give me any reward neurotransmitters. Like my work doesn’t matter. I don’t know who has clamped this shit on me, but it’s fucked. I don’t understand why my effort is not rewarded. I used to feel good when I did things. When I achieved things. That doesn’t happen anymore. These antipsychotics have sapped all the life out of me. Psychiatry is fucked.
I give up.