And I think this is my last option. Okay. Here, so? Yeah I really think that this is it.

So, what it is, is what I’m going to do, is I’m going to brute force it.

I won’t let nature naturally happen anymore.

Nature is the best. Natural events and natural consequences, naturally feeling good as the result of working or doing things, is great.

Problem is nature is wired against me currently. My brain chemicals are screwed, I have a brain disease, schizoaffective disorder. My neurotransmitters, the laws of biochemistry, are literally destroying me and my life.

So I don’t know if I don’t exactly play fair in return. It seems fair.

So. I’m going to brute force it. If something SHOULD be making me feel good but isn’t, I’m going to summon the good sentiments and emotions and feel them anyway. I’m just going to force the good feelings. Not by doing anything, just by mental willpower.

It seems like a superpower. I kind of am capable of it.

I have to keep blocking the voices and the hallucinations touching my sensitive spots.

So that’s annoying. I wish I could be alerted sooner, like an early warning system, for assaults of symptoms against me.

Okay so that’s the plan. I’m not going to over-explain, either.

You should understand by now. But if you don’t, whatever, too late, you’re not a part of my life.

Though count yourself a member of whatever proverbial clubs you want to.

Your life.

Anyway.

I feel terrible, as usual, and I’m like, really scared. Terror-stricken something bad is going to happen. Sort of like a panic attack.

Why can I not relax at home. What be-eth wrongeth with mine?

I need to exercise so much. I hate that you have to exert physical force (exercise) just for a normal life. It doesn’t seem normal.

Like physics is cheating or something.

Well. I’ll try to weasel it in. The rules are the rules.

I’ve been a rebel long enough. I know nothing comes of it but punishment.

No one likes punishment.

Second beer picking up dad later tonight watching twitch studied some front end need to do more.

Until satisfied is… how much?

O_ofuck

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