Blerg

I don’t know. I’m a terrible person. And it’s really hard for me to say that, or even think that, because I’ve thought of myself as a good person for so long. I’ve started yelling at the reader in here, and I even yelled at my mom and called her abusive names last night because I was drunk.

I don’t ever want to be drunk again.

And these ups and downs kill me.

I felt so bad this morning. Then just recently it sort of got better. Now I’m starting to feel like shit again.

Depression is horrifying. Nick was right. It’s just so fucking scary, you don’t know what you’ll do.

I mean, if I don’t drink naturally I will heal. And I’m not craving anything now so… I guess I just have to remember what this feels like.

I don’t know. There’s this unease/unrest in my mind. I feel like something is wrong, but nothing is wrong.

And no matter what my mom says, I think my “sensing others” IS just a delusion. There’s no way I can read minds. It just doesn’t exist.

So. I mean. Thanks, for being my audience.

You’re always there for me.

I don’t know what’s right or polite anymore. Feels like everything has gone out the window, with me.

I’m scared of keeling over and dying any moment. Just instantaneously, for no reason.

Starting to panic.

Fuck. I don’t know, man. Life is so hard. And I don’t know why.

But I love you, and I love being alive, and I just love everything in the universe so, so much.

Please forgive me.

I’m around.

-varjak

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