I think the closest route to a happy successful life is to get my meds right, that means get off risperidone completely (will take a few weeks, about a month and a half), taper up on gabapentin–it seems to really help set my head straight, and if what the doctor says is true, will help me stay off alcohol. That’s great. In turn it won’t fuck with my latuda, which is the workhorse antipsychotic right now.

I’m not on any antidepressants.

But hydroxyzine can be used to knock me out if I’m really low.

Wake up rejuventated.

Annnd, so, get the meds right, and also just recover. Like, I think my brain is recovering. Maybe from all the drugs in college/grad school. Maybe from psychosis/psychotic trauma. Whatever. From childhood abuse. Who knows. College drinking. Who knows.

But my brain does need to recover. I can tell that now. And it’s really back fucking wards. My family and all my “support system” wants to rush me instead of letting it happen naturally and effectively. Fucking retards. I am so angry at everyone I know. They’re all abusive.

So, I recover. And, I think that included my smile, and my motivation. I think I will be motivated to continue studying, whatever it is. I guess right now I’m on web design. It can be whatever. But I guess that’s what I’ve chosen for now.

Study that, get gud, make a portfolio, attract clients, start pushing out products for people.

And just, enjoying the process. Creative process. Constructing things. Focusing in mind.

It’s like, no way will that happen now. But maybe in time it can.

With enough time, I think I can recover and be a productive member of society once again.

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