I’d write somewhere where I can be heard but I have no such place. I’m reminded of that scene from V for Vendetta where the protagonist, the lady actress, gets a note through the wall in prison held by V but she doesn’t know it, and it’s like, this note from a complete stranger talking about here life and it’s like this.
It’s like this.
I have a case of the parents. Whenever either of them talk I feel intense agony.
I drank last night. Like, 7 beers.
I shouldn’t have but at the time I needed it.
If they could design a medicine for moodiness sort of like ibuprofen for headaches (which isn’t even itself that effective, now that I mention it), and while at it, for depression, psychosis, and every other mental illness.
Make medicines for all of this.
Not this shit that takes months and doesn’t even work anyway.
It seems you’ve outgrown me.
I am not used to being in the shadow of someone wiser than me. Kind of a strange feeling.
Twitch is on. As always.
Mom says mom things and nothing but. She is not even human. She’s just a mom.
Which is sorely disappointing. I would have wanted her to be human at some point. That could’ve been fun.
But, no fun for me. Just useless reminders and “I’m trying to help”. Stupid. She’s stupid.
I don’t want to talk to my care team anymore. I want to cancel apts. They just… ugh. They’re so American and preprogrammed. There’s no empathy in the response. It’s mechanical and formulaic. It doesn’t work.
So I threw up this morning and still have nauesea stomach ache headaceh doesn’t bother me too much but misery is strong. Nausea stomach pain is not good. Misery is strong.
Nick hasn’t responded.
CJ hasn’t responded.
I have no life. I have no friends. I have nowhere to go and nothing to do but hard work. I don’t want to work hard.
Why is life so miserable without hard work. What shit scam is this.
I’m so unfulfilled.
Nothing I say makes me feel better.
Time to go back to hell…