I think that somewhere else is my home.
I can’t even write correctly right now.
It’s not how I sound.
It’s supposed to be more dynamic.
But maybe this is real. Maybe my voice is dead. I got off risperidone a week ago. My dopamine must be recovering. Or whatever the correct neurotransmitter no neuroscience terminology is.
I’m reading a manga (well a few but…) about a god that is helping a poor scapegoat girl in school and then there are demon things and he fights them for her. She is very poor socially and luck wise.
I don’t know what to say. I have to tough it out. And I guess the only way to build back my toughness is to go through the tough times without batting an eye lash.
It’s tough now. But what am I doing: Writing in my blog.
That’s not hard.
I was looking for my home eyes scraping the computer monitor brain thinking of the internet.
This is my home why do I think anything else.
My house is my home.
My room is my home.
My family is my home.
Wow nice and mushy.
Want to be unique. Or maybe not. Maybe I should be, normal, fit in.
What makes me interesting.
I don’t want to be like all those emo kids.
I’m a 33 year old emo kid.
Haha nice to meet you.
My voice is so staid rn.
I had ten coffees and a coma nap.
Mom might get the night off.
She works the night shift at the hospital.
The graveyard shift.
Because after the shift, you feel like a corpse. So tired.
Well anyway some people are night owls.
Mom say she is or was (which is it?) but, I don’t think she is. It drains her.
She complains that the night shift has drained the life out of her.
And now she is… a corpse.
I’m so sorry.
My moral compass is broken.
Ahh yeah. So, constant state of confusion.
I feel like I’m going the opposite direction.
But… several layers deeper? I know this is right.
You have to make what’s right. You can’t just accept what you’re given when what you’re given is shit.
You make your own destiny.
I need to practice doing that.
And fuck oh God never mind.
I can’t talk anymore.
I have to get back in shape.
I used to be so special.
I don’t want to be normal.