I think that somewhere else is my home.

I can’t even write correctly right now.

It’s not how I sound.

It’s supposed to be more dynamic.

But maybe this is real. Maybe my voice is dead. I got off risperidone a week ago. My dopamine must be recovering. Or whatever the correct neurotransmitter no neuroscience terminology is.

I’m reading a manga (well a few but…) about a god that is helping a poor scapegoat girl in school and then there are demon things and he fights them for her. She is very poor socially and luck wise.

I don’t know what to say. I have to tough it out. And I guess the only way to build back my toughness is to go through the tough times without batting an eye lash.

It’s tough now. But what am I doing: Writing in my blog.

That’s not hard.

I was looking for my home eyes scraping the computer monitor brain thinking of the internet.

This is my home why do I think anything else.

My house is my home.

My room is my home.

My family is my home.

Wow nice and mushy.

I just…

Want to be unique. Or maybe not. Maybe I should be, normal, fit in.

What makes me interesting.

I don’t want to be like all those emo kids.

I’m a 33 year old emo kid.

Haha nice to meet you.

My voice is so staid rn.

I’m sorry.

I had ten coffees and a coma nap.

Mom might get the night off.

She works the night shift at the hospital.

The graveyard shift.

Because after the shift, you feel like a corpse. So tired.

Well anyway some people are night owls.

Mom say she is or was (which is it?) but, I don’t think she is. It drains her.

She complains that the night shift has drained the life out of her.

And now she is… a corpse.

I’m so sorry.

My moral compass is broken.

Ahh yeah. So, constant state of confusion.

I feel like I’m going the opposite direction.

But… several layers deeper? I know this is right.

You have to make what’s right. You can’t just accept what you’re given when what you’re given is shit.

You make your own destiny.

I need to practice doing that.

And fuck oh God never mind.

My voice…

I can’t talk anymore.

I have to get back in shape.

I used to be so special.

I don’t want to be normal.

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