I…

I’m trying to be true. I’m trying to be honest. But it’s turning into a fucking crusade. No swearing, deary!

Stop psychically spying on me, mom. You fucking cunt.

Ugh.

She pronounces it “cont”.

And I feel bad every time I call her that in person.

Usually I’m off the deepend when that happens.

I have to study. I have to study web design. I’ve chosen my career path. I haven’t watched a single lecture in weeks.

What is wrong with me.

And I FEEL bad not studying, too. I don’t feel good, haha, play play play, now that I have all free time.

Not that lectures take up much time. Videos are <10 min. A few takes half an hour. Wow. So hard.

I could read a few pages of the textbook accompanying the course.

Why.

What is wrong with me.

I would not even be classified as mentally ill if I just did my work, showered, and exercised. And of course ate healthy (meaning enough).

I don’t think I’d even be diagnosed if I did all that.

What the fuck.

It’s not schizoaffective disorder.

That’s the result.

The real disease is laziness.

That’s what causes everything.

Laziness.

Cure my laziness, modern medicine.

Therapists.

Life coaches.

Cure my laziness.

Help me work, study, exercise.

I don’t know how to rise to the challenge anymore.

Sigh.

I want to cry.

Everything is so hard.

I’m a failure.

I wasted my life resisting the system.

Social justice warrior.

Waste of my life.

I wasted my life.

I’m 33 and what have I done.

Really.

=(

Oh and yeah, to be clear, I’m not going to kill you. Those death threats were empty. I just needed to vent. Really.

Makes you wonder how far it goes before I take action, though. Right?

I just hope wordpress is a safe place to write. No matter how extreme.

They’re just words.

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