I just want to talk. To someone. I’m wealthy, I have a lot of capital that I need, the right books, game consoles, a hot rod laptop for creative design. I want to be a professional photographer. I want to be a professional game designer. I want to design websites for people on a contractual basis. Why can’t I do these things? Why not, after all? I ask myself these questions…

I feel pretty bad in my brain. Like, the reward and happy neurotransmitters are blocked. Blunched up, in a chest locked away. My moral compass is cracked, I’m not sure what to do.

My brother’s PS4 games we got him must be in his room somewhere. I played Journey for the first time on his system. We got it for him as a gift but he left it behind when he moved out. He is too busy with work and investing to play computer games. It’s sad, isn’t it? Well, more for me. Yeah, selfish. Mom helped me hook it up, I almost quit when the WiFi didn’t work. She figured it out for me. And then I played, and she watched.

I really just want something gentle, a salve for my mind. A soft conversation, to smooth out my wrinkles. But without wrinkles you’re dead, right? Hah. That’s what they say, anyway. Strange. Does that, conversely, mean I am super-smart?

Mom wants to buy a parcel of land and make a garden for people to pay to visit. It’s a viable plan. Maybe check out the legality but yeah that’s it.

May play tennis with middle brother tomorrow if it doesn’t rain. And then a walk.

Well anyway, we’re going out me and mom soonish. I don’t want to but we will, I will force myself.

There are so many books for me to enjoy. I am so wealthy, so much enertainment and learning. My brain ruins it all.

I want to be normal again but, ah, maybe it’s the meds. And I mean, I need the meds to fight my psychosis. So I can’t get off them. The anxiety is a side-effect. It’s so sad. Such a shite situation.

I love you, if I haven’t said that yet. My works are shallow because I’ve threatened and hated on you before, but I’ll try to fix it.

Well. I’ll inch my way forward.

*inch, inch inch… inch…*

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