At first it was breaking down the walls, chiseling through the concrete and brick. Now we’re going to laying road, planning a path, and setting goals.

I mean, I’m finally learning. After breaking bad habits, I finally can. With therapy and the group therapies.

My therapist, Liz, is awesome. She’s kind of cheesy, but really nice. She helps guide me and, most importantly, provides me an outside lens of how I’m doing, what I’m doing well, what I can improve on, in terms of life skills.

One thing I do poorly is let my emotions dictate my actions. We can’t control our emotions, but we can control our actions, even if we’re feeling shitty. Feeling shitty doesn’t mean you have to stop. Keep going!

Another thing I do poorly is get engrossed in bad times. I think it’s all there is and don’t remember that it eventually gets better. It’s been proven, for me, so far, that it does. So I have to self-talk, like my mom has said before too, to help dig myself out or give myself hope.

And now I’m finally learning. These things. My mind is opening. I can feel it.

Wfoo. I can’t go at full speed when I feel like shit, but I can still go.

So go I must.

We made me some goals for the next month before I see her again: Take at least one bath and shower (1), investigate the USTA NorCal flex league schedule (it’s the rainy season, so…), and every time I read, read 2-5 pages, not just 1.

Now that I think of it, there’s lots of room to push myself. I bet some life coaches salivate over having me as a pupil. So yeah. My old standards are not my new standards. Things that were easy might now be hard. And vice versa, in fact! But *take a drink every time Liz says* you know you best, so. Don’t overshoot.

I go too far. I definitely go too far sometimes. I get ahead of myself. Take it a step at a time.

Together, with learning about perfectionism in the CBT for depression class, and not to let a perfectionist mindset eat you from the inside out. I do that. “I should” “I have to” “I ought to”…

I mean, make goals. But don’t make mandates.

This has been a hard blog post. I think, if nothing else, because I am forced to see myself objectively and reasonably. It’s hard work, being accurate in the head!

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