Happy Halloween

I’m so lonely.

That’s a really lame way to start off a blog post but oh well. Tonight’s Halloween so we have trick or treaters and and and I need to clip my nails again! Annoying, right? I bet it’s annoying for you to hear about it.

Mom’s on giving out candy duty to the little ones. Dad’s acting mildly weird but not too bad. He parked the cars in front of the house and put a flag and a koala teddy bear on one of them. Stupid. He does weird stuff like that when there’s stuff going on. His brain can’t handle it. He’s a freak. Autistic or schizo or something. Probably a bit of both.

Listening to halloween tunes on youtube. I’d chat on the channel, one of which there is, but my youtube account was deleted when I posted my poetry on it. Fuckers. They never even told me why. Mega fuckers. I didn’t do anything wrong. Fuck I hate authority, centralized power, and just anything strong. Fuck shit up.

I’m so lonely. I have no friends. If I… no, I don’t know. I was about to say, If I had a job I could go to one of my coworkers’ party. I did one year. I overdosed on booze, had a hangover blackout barfed in the bathroom shower once everyone was gone, all over myself, got sent to the hospital by the hosts, my coworker and his girlfriend. Sigh. My social anxiety was so bad at that party, is why I had to drink so much.

Our literary magazine is up. The next issue I mean. Check out my poetry blog if you know what it is. Prefer to keep these two somewhat seperate though so uhh not putting up a link. This blog is where I go to be a shit-head! Teehee! ;)

Anyway…

Staying occupied keeps the loneliness butterflies away.

Eh.

Right.

I need to clip my nails brb…

Okay should be better now. Still getting used to this keyboard. Somehow I have temporarily forgotten that my brain has the capacity for getting used to things at all. Like I feel like this keyboard is going to feel strange forever. Maybe it will. Is my intuition wrong now? I’m trusting the lessons I’ve learned but… I disagree with them.

This phenomenon has happened a lot in recent days. I learn lessons, mostly from therapy and psychiatry, and I disagree with them. Completely. 180 degrees.

My mom told me today that I should trust myself more.

So, I guess that’s that. Conclusion.

Yeh.


I love you. Readers. Did I mention that?

We all love each other despite the chaos. My delusions, though. No one feels the chaos. Just me.

How horrifying is that, when I feel plugged into society, wow, it’s scary.

I want to celebrate! Wahhh.

I’m starting to realize that I shouldn’t rely on being invited. From now on I’m the host. My own channels, my own magazines, my own email lists, my own websites–etc.

I do much better than way. And I’m inclusive. So I deserve it and wear it well. People love me because… I’m awesome! I deserve it! When I have the power for them to even recognize me.

Fffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuck.

A few neighbors are outside with adults like dressed up hanging out talking and stuff. I don’t know if they’re drinking. Should I join? I forgot how I don’t feel comfortable around others unless I know them. Hmm. Thinking about joining them made me remember that.

How are you all doing tonight? Did you celebrate the spooky season?

Love to hear from you! Cheers!

varjak

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