My body was so weak. So vulnerable. Why was my mind imploding? What was wrong with me?

But do notice this is all in past tense now.

I’m ready to be a web designer, independent, netting clients. I’ll give discounts for my work. I’ll make less than average. I’ll be competitive. I just hope to provide quality service. If my health keeps up like this I should be able to.

I feel normal now. Man. I don’t even want to explode about how amazing it is. I just feel mellow. Normal. Not even emllow. Normal. Healthy. Every little bit helps. The pills, increasing gabapentin. That one is like, what’s it for? Dunno it just helps. lul. So true.

Exercise. I need to do more. The more the better. I do one rep of weight lifting, two different lifts, sometimes two, which takes literally less than five minutes. So quick, and yet I get breathing if I go fast enough, I work my muscles. I don’t know. Not all of them. And not that much. I need to consider which groups I want to balance out.

I finished a chapter of Flow My Tears… by PKD yesternight. It feels easier to read.

I’m so scared it could all turn back, though. That I could lose it all.

I’m looking for something meaningful to do now. I want to help others, or improve society, or move some sort of boulder. Maybe I don’t want to be so philanthropical even, maybe I just want a challenge. Maybe it is of the mind, and overcoming it. Fighting. Continuing. I dismiss all the hard work I’ve done my whole life. Why. Give yourself credit, man. You deserve it.

So many fights so hard. Some have cancer. The threat of dying young hovering over them. A disease where your own body grows incontrollably out of control like a science experiment, or some alien zombie. Gross as fuck. Shiiiiiita.

I need to…

Well. I mean. I will.

This grows stale.

I don’t know what I need. I just have to study more.

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