One week not looking for work. Californias fucked don’t move here
Family very ill. Hard to help them. Eldest son.

Not much else. Life isn’t worth it.



I can’t believe that’s what that word means. I mean, that’s one explanation, but really, sobriety doesn’t have much to offer either

Maturity is quite the genius

I’m dating well, I appreciate your existence, but just FYI, not your anger. But I’ll figure it out.

Dot dot dot


It feels like the world is falling apart. I don’t know what to do. Not even from global issues, just from my personal view of things going on around me. Not even with anything beyond the neighborhood, not even on the other side of town. Just me, my disease/condition, my family, and sometimes the neighbors. And associations/institutions at large. I interact with those, too. It’s fucked. Oh God, you have no idea.

Institutions (to name a very few, of the very many): Kaiser health insurance, (JP Morgan) Chase bank, Employee Development Department (of California), Covered California (health insurance market),, etc. etc.

It seems like the big dudes want us all dead. I don’t have a clue. I’m just now piecing this together. The neighbors are at the family’s throat. I built the core of a computational server yesterday. I need to learn P.H.P. to interact with it better but it seems okay for now. Or otherwise, possibly, entirely false and fake. It seems to work from my angle. There’s just gaping flaws with it. I’ll have to start dissecting things like I used to.

I don’t know. I had that feeling that I was dying again last night. Before bed. I felt like I was dying. It’s hard to explain. It’s just, you sort of sense death approaching. Definitely makes me panic, eh. Well. I don’t know. So far the doctors think it’s a form of anxiety disorder, but I don’t know. It might have some substance to it. I just don’t know what it is yet. Maybe.

It’s really hard on the family. I can tell. All of this. Two brothers with mental illnesses, unemployed, and (I’ll get to this in a minute) a pet cat that’s eating itself alive. That might be the entertaining part, I don’t know. Of course no one wants it to happen but it’s kind of funny I guess. Obviously we would all flip our shit if she died. The cat. Mom has hypertension, dad is diagnosed(?) with so many so many issues–I don’t know which specifically. He’s very hush hush about it. It’s hard on him. Which means it’s hard on mom. Which means it’s hard on me and the brother and the baby brother. Notice how I refer to everyone. It’s odd, isn’t it? I’m so angry at baby brother for screaming in my delusions all the time. He’s too old for this. I don’t quite get it. I don’t know why he does this. Keeps saying Fuck you Fuck you over and over again.

So anyway, I don’t know. It feels like the world is falling apart. Like I said we’re all worried about the pet cat. My thoughts are she may have a mental illness as well. Or possibly some coat infection, or tooth infection–it’s hard to diagnose. I opt that we take her to the vet, but no one else seems to want to for whatever reason. I don’t get it. We could solve her problems very quickly, at the least. Mostly middle brother and mother take care of the cat so I’m only loosely involved. But it would so come down on me if something happened to her. What the fuck. It’s so unfair. I’m kind of angry at them.

That’s about it. Life is horrifying, apprehensive, and frightening. I’m not sure. I’m not sure. It always seems like people are talking to me when they’re not, and it condo-fucks with my brain. It’s hard. It’s very very difficult. I’m not sure.

So I give up for now. I haven’t even talked about the unemployment, have you noticed? There’s so much going on. Well. I haven’t given much in return so I don’t expect any shits my way, either, so I guess that’s that for now.

SAD, hope to hear from you soon, and everyone else who follows, thanks for that–if you even exist (you don’t have to tell me that you do, I don’t mind, just a legal disclaimer I have to put out). Thanks thanks that’s it for now. Jesus fucking Christ. Man. Mangoes. -_-


What a horrifying day. Not that it’s much different than the norm. Only that people are acting mightily suspiciously. Everyone feels entitled to my time in my domain, and I have no way of evacuating them. I’m totally helpless and defenseless. I have no idea what to do. I wish for everyone’s brain to turn to slime to fathom a modicum of what I’ve gone through. It’s irresistible; trust me.


I’m trying to avoid people as best I can. Unfortunately there aren’t robot or animal doctors yet. So far humans have been in charge of my medical slash psychiatric care. But I should look on the bright side–think of all the machine learning algorithms that went into it. I don’t know what that number would be but I hope it’s > 0.

So that’s the introduction.


Though it may be actually kind of dangerous to call them out on this, I’m pretty sure Mozilla Foundation is now officially a terrorist organization. Their voice is abusive, and they have no clue how to communicate. I am never volunteering for them again. It’s not even safe.

But you’re free to do as you please.

Very suspicious of family members.

Love this new German keyboard. perixx. English lettering, but German design. Made in China.

I guess it’s a combination of being stuffed up and not talking or communicating enough that my own voice sounds as though everyone’s tormenting me. I get these phone calls and texts all the time, and I don’t know from who. I guess they’re from “recruiters”? You know what that means! ; )

Anyway this is total insanity and I have no idea which direction to go. I don’t even think I’m sick anymore. I just think the world is fucked. It sucks.


It’s undecided. Whether I will tell my father that my artificial unemployment start date was in April or not tell him. It’s convoluted. Which is funny.

As per the usual, authority figures seem to be angry at me. California is mega corrupt. Gavin definitely fucked something up royally. Trump’s draining the federal budget and sending us into debt again just to pay off everyone pissed at SARS-CoV-2. I guess it’s like, they couldn’t figure out how to invest in science with the anti-science sentiment running rampant throughout the madpeople-citizen’s brains, so they decided to go the expensive route and just pay the dying and dead off. Mass graves lined with dollar bills. Typical American fashion. Not that it doesn’t look stylish.

But enough shitty politics. It’s a hard transition to switch out of it, but I truly am more concerned with my brain disease than national affairs or even state affairs. Would that be surprising? Kaiser is trying desperately to get in touch with me and address my needs, but I’m so horrified of their ineptitude and possibly malice that I don’t know–it’s hard to communicate with them anymore. I’ve decided that my previous psychiatrist was trying to kill me. Which is a horrifying thought. Someone who could basically persuade you into “suicide”, chemically. It’s horrifying. My life is horrifying.

So I don’t know what to say. This is generally how it’s been lately. No good news to speak of, except that no one in the family has died of any diseases lately, annnnnd, yeah! Pet cat’s not too healthy either–she has starting chewing out her own fur and drinking from the toilet. So I’m worried about her. We all are.

Life stinks sometimes. I’m not sure what to say.


There’s something not right about her. She’s a very nice old lady, from Europe, but, the way she imposes upon her students is wrong. I think that’s all. She also hides it behind layers of entertainment, pretending to be a friendly old lady type, but really, she’s vicious. I don’t know. I don’t really have the words for it.

German keyboard. Made in China. German design. Not sure how I feel about that. It has some nice placket clacks for sure.

Been doing a lot of computer engineering lately. Not hardware, but software and cloud. (I guess it goes Hardware — > Software –> Cloud). It’s mind-blowing to think that humans have finally added another layer of abstraction on top of computing infrastructure. And reminder that computing power is for answering complicated questions. So anyway, probably not necessary unless some sort of alien invasion and Russian roulette with pop quizzes. Or something like that.

Satirizing me, always. The voices. Not sure.

Getting along with other organisms and forms of life. I feel this is an improvement–even if I’m still a total abuse victim. Dad downstairs making suspiciously inverse paranoid loud bang bangs, which I can hear–either real, imaginary, or complex. It’s nice to know…

Not much freedom these days. Not sure. America. Not the best. Nowhere is.

Thoughts of economics. Raw materials. Running water and lights at night. Things like that. More important than I thought. The fight against nature, without killing it. Sustainable harvest, at worst–hopefully. Horrifying ramifications for loss.

War. Thoughts of war. Not sure why. Super unpleasant. Don’t want.

No thoughts of the epidemic. I wear my mask when I go out for walks either on my own through the neighborhood or with mom and brother at the park. I social distance. Not sure. That’s about it. I guess many people are still dying, but no one person is at high risk of death. So that’s nice, i.m.o.

Working on the game with mom. Nothing to say much of there; digressions into Development Operations for some reason. Not too useful of a discipline, honestly, from what I’ve seen so far trying it out myself. Kind of like, people at computers who can’t do things beating around the bush about it with wasteful use of computing power. Yeah. So. Saddening, I suppose. Saddening, not sad.

Dinner was some teriyaki. I don’t want to go more detailed than that.

House is nice. Getting less restless. People make me nervous. Everyone seems like a dictator. I get sufficient exercise more or less, and fresh air, I suppose. So what’s the bother? No complaint. Just miserable. Nothing loss. Not sure quite why or how.

Striving for new forms of language. Always wish to improve my English. Super!

That’s it.


Delusions. Lots and lots of delusions. Seeing people in my mind, hearing them, having them imprinted in my neurons. Disturbing, always disturbing. Not sure how to get rid of them. Their aliases. In my mind. Not the real people. Those exist, those are fine, there’s nothing wrong with real people existing in real life. But imaginary versions, not right. I act violently toward them in my imagination to reclaim my space, my mind. In theory my organs belong to me, so my mind and therefore my brain should belong to me, but most seem to be under the impression that I belong to them. Slavery. I am the slave, they are the master. This is disturbing. I don’t really like it and I wish I could just be alone most of them time but what’s the loss. One more human life. Doesn’t matter much.


My family touches me inappropriately and I am sexually harassed. I am a victim. I don’t know how to escape. The don’t like this cutesy gay shit. They’re homophobic sexists. Mom’s a racist.