Stasis Trap



First day at work, readjusting to normal life, etc.

Well, today was my first day back at work. I’d say it was a difficult success.

Difficult because though I’m not having full-blown schizophrenic episodes, I still get this paranoid feeling that I’m receiving a lot of aggression from my coworkers, and there’s always this sexual tension in the air that is really inappropriate for a professional workplace.

I’m still waiting to hear back from the people that find a therapist for me. I’m definitely going to start going to individual therapy. The blanket statement coping mechanisms-deep breathing, awareness of surroundings–from my health insurance provider just doesn’t cut it for me. I need some deep one-on-one analysis of my problems, and I need someone to see things from my side, the side where they are real, where my coworkers really do sexually harass me, and to have someone understand what that’s like and try to help me cope with it instead of blowing it off like typical schizophrenia.

I don’t think I’ll be writing as much poetry anymore now that I’m off leave. It’s just a decision.

I AM glad I’m not sitting around the house all day anymore. There was nothing for me to do here. My mom would say, “Help us get rich by designing the computer game!” but that’s not something I can do. I don’t know why but I can’t force myself to do it. My brain refuses, and I wish it didn’t. I wish I could settle down and enjoy cognitive engagement in intellectually stimulating and creative activities. I think I’m just too simple a person for what she needs out of me.

I’m on the last chapter of the book I’m reading about lesbians. It was a “good” book that I recognized as objectively good, but that I didn’t really enjoy reading. I liked it, but it was more hard work than leisure. I’m saving the last chapter for a good time and I already know the next book I’m going to read. It’s in the family’s personal library, or from rather. Apparently it’s 50 years old, first publication.

I have to go to the gym now. Gotta cut out the belly fat. It’s taking so long… But I increased my dose of cardio recently so that should help.

Bye for now.



PS: I’ve decided that my boss is a good person and I’m going to be more communicative with him from now on. i think that can help me. I need someone to rely on.