Wow. The last two days and last night have been hellish. Yesterday morning was not so good, some delusions of telepathy and auditory hallucinations (voices), but it got better once mom got home and I was able to talk to her, and I was able to get some work done for the rest of the day. Then, after she went to work again for the night, it tanked and I got delusions and hallucinations back. So unpleasant, mega mind-wracking. Horrifying, at times. To not know what is real, to be harassed by imaginary demons, imaginary version of real people you know and love. Then, I had to drink coffee to avoid panic attacks I was starting to get while lying down horizontally for whatever reason, along with fear of heart disorder (disproved by medical examination in the ER about a month ago by some tests, so, what’s to fear?–but is fear ever logical?). I had to keep moving, to keep stimming with the caffeine and nicotine lozenges. I did not sleep the whole night and the whole night was a lucid nightmare delusion, so terrifying. The next morning, this morning, once mom got home, I felt very emotional and cried on multiple occasions while talking to her, feeling very afraid and panicked. She was able to calm me down to some degree. That, and, eventually, a warm bath with acne soap to help cleanse my skin. That was nice but didn’t seem to leave lasting benefits. I took 1 mg clonazepam to relax and it finally kicked in about half an hour ago, but lying down still triggers the heavy beating below my ribs in my chest. It’s such a nightmare. I also had somewhat of a manic episode this morning during all of this, responding to the previous night’s nightare with extra energy and positivity in thanks of life. That sort of went away as of now. So now I still can’t really settle down (akathisia (medical restlessness)) and I’m here! I find myself feeling very stupid, like I have the brain of a 5-yo and it’s hard to respect myself in any way for the way I think and behave, but I’m getting by. This is the first medically frightening incident in a while. Man. Anyway my new psychiatrist is still cool and I consolidated my healthcare professionals all to Walnut Creek, so it’s more convenient for them and me (though everything is still telecom or phone apt due to Covid). I messaged my psychiatrist about what’s going on and scheduled a first-time apt with my primary care physician in internal medicine next week. A pharmacist is telecomming with me the following Monday (two weeks from now) to see how things are going, and then my next appointment with my psychiatrist two weeks from that date.
It is mega consoling having everything scheduled and to be done with my previous psychiatrist, who I was paranoid of b/c I had delusions/nightmares that he had tortured me (palpably, viscerally)–horrifying–and b/c I was guilty that I lashed out at him in messages in writing. I sent him a final apology and note that I had switched to someone else just now.
I think things are improving but I am not going to even try to do any work for a while if at all today due to my poor state. Hopefully I can sleep tonight without any heavy chest beating and subsequent panic. I anticipate I will.