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It’s Fun

Having a mental illness as extreme as schizophrenia (or in my case, schizoaffective disorder, to be precise), you start to understand, without being involved at all, why things like murder exist. It’s absolutely fascinating, the power of theory and experiential learning.

Basically being a psycho is less like being a murderer and more like being on a bad drug trip. Obviously if it’s extreme enough you could pull some sketchy or immoral shit which is justifiable to you, but most of the time you’re actually just suffering, “hallucinating” (and yes, there are some ambiguities to this term that I will discuss in the future), having delusions!!!, etc.

It’s FUN FUN FUN!

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Stasis Trap

CONTENT WARNING: Hate speech.


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No title

I have access. Surprising.

Fuck. I have nothing to do and I have to go to bed. There’s nowhere to go online or in the house or neighborhood. We don’t have a park by the neighborhood walking distance and we won’t for ten years.

Sigh.

I just want to write all the time. Why won’t anyone let me just write. What is this me being so imprisoned and policed about.

I have no fucking idea what is going on.

This is miserable horseshit.

 

Goodnight.

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I just can’t settle down at home. Spikes. Spikes keeping me from talking.

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I really need something really badly, but I don’t know what it is.

I think my brain just wants its dopamine back. Cut the risperdal shit.

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My meds are still treating me like shit, as you can tell.

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A (distant) future in grad school?

I just feel kind of lost in life. My job’s not very fulfilling so I’m toying with the idea of getting my PhD but I’d have to study for the GRE and my attention span is not so good because of  my meds. So I guess it will just take longer, a little at a time. I think GRE scores are good for 5 years so I’ll have some time if I can just score well once. Too bad my original good scores expired. I can’t believe it’s been over 5 years since I took the GRE. Damn.

 

But yeah I would really love to do actual research instead of manual labor for a pharmaceutical company. It’s just a totally different degree of cognitive engagement. Academia is more engaging. But it has its cons, as well. Funding is competitive, as a professor. Money is short. I would also have to T.A. to fund myself, and my attention span issue there, plus poor motivation.

 

One possibility, and this is a stretch, is that if my mental illness gets better for some odd reason (off pot for long enough, possibly?), then I can get off my meds and my attention span and motivation will recover. This is a long-term possibility, thinking like years here. But it’s the best one.

What do you think?

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risperidone

risperidone

risperidone

modern medicine has no idea what it’s doing

and it’s two decades old

la la la la

no one cares about curing mental illness

la la la la

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My psychiatrist said it sounds like I have mild akathisia. the need to get up and pace back and forth frequently. Mild “ants in your pants” (he likes that phrase, he’s so dumb). He always insists on categorizing things into extreme opposites. Why can’t he understand there’s a middle ground.

But yes, I do have mild akathisia. It’s not fun, having to move around so much. Screws me over at work, too.

Relief when moving.

And low dopamine from the antipsychotic leads to low motivation and difficulty performing normal tasks. Things are just harder for me.

How’s that sound?

What I’m really glad now about though is that I finally understand why I feel this way. It is a side effect of the medication. My mother and my psychiatrist and my  own logic all agree. There’s something really soothing in knowing.

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Maybe the psychosis will just go away on its own.

You know what started it? Pot. I had my first telepathic experience on marijuana, and it was excruciating. I still get spikes of it from time to time.

If it IS pot, if I exercise enough the deposits in my fat should burn away.

Might also explain why exercise seems to increase symptoms, and not in a regular pattern.

I just want to tell my psychiatrist how presumptive and how much of a prick he is. I might drop him a note as he’s leaving Kaiser for UCSF in two months, at the end of his stay. Positive criticism, give him some personality stuff to work on.

Kratom never caused my psychosis. Kratom is a helpful plant. You just have to respect it and dose gradually.