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Medical Update

Wow. The last two days and last night have been hellish. Yesterday morning was not so good, some delusions of telepathy and auditory hallucinations (voices), but it got better once mom got home and I was able to talk to her, and I was able to get some work done for the rest of the day. Then, after she went to work again for the night, it tanked and I got delusions and hallucinations back. So unpleasant, mega mind-wracking. Horrifying, at times. To not know what is real, to be harassed by imaginary demons, imaginary version of real people you know and love. Then, I had to drink coffee to avoid panic attacks I was starting to get while lying down horizontally for whatever reason, along with fear of heart disorder (disproved by medical examination in the ER about a month ago by some tests, so, what’s to fear?–but is fear ever logical?). I had to keep moving, to keep stimming with the caffeine and nicotine lozenges. I did not sleep the whole night and the whole night was a lucid nightmare delusion, so terrifying. The next morning, this morning, once mom got home, I felt very emotional and cried on multiple occasions while talking to her, feeling very afraid and panicked. She was able to calm me down to some degree. That, and, eventually, a warm bath with acne soap to help cleanse my skin. That was nice but didn’t seem to leave lasting benefits. I took 1 mg clonazepam to relax and it finally kicked in about half an hour ago, but lying down still triggers the heavy beating below my ribs in my chest. It’s such a nightmare. I also had somewhat of a manic episode this morning during all of this, responding to the previous night’s nightare with extra energy and positivity in thanks of life. That sort of went away as of now. So now I still can’t really settle down (akathisia (medical restlessness)) and I’m here! I find myself feeling very stupid, like I have the brain of a 5-yo and it’s hard to respect myself in any way for the way I think and behave, but I’m getting by. This is the first medically frightening incident in a while. Man. Anyway my new psychiatrist is still cool and I consolidated my healthcare professionals all to Walnut Creek, so it’s more convenient for them and me (though everything is still telecom or phone apt due to Covid). I messaged my psychiatrist about what’s going on and scheduled a first-time apt with my primary care physician in internal medicine next week. A pharmacist is telecomming with me the following Monday (two weeks from now) to see how things are going, and then my next appointment with my psychiatrist two weeks from that date.

It is mega consoling having everything scheduled and to be done with my previous psychiatrist, who I was paranoid of b/c I had delusions/nightmares that he had tortured me (palpably, viscerally)–horrifying–and b/c I was guilty that I lashed out at him in messages in writing. I sent him a final apology and note that I had switched to someone else just now.

I think things are improving but I am not going to even try to do any work for a while if at all today due to my poor state. Hopefully I can sleep tonight without any heavy chest beating and subsequent panic. I anticipate I will.

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Stasis Trap

CONTENT WARNING: Hate speech.


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I just can’t settle down at home. Spikes. Spikes keeping me from talking.

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I really need something really badly, but I don’t know what it is.

I think my brain just wants its dopamine back. Cut the risperdal shit.

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I have nothing to do. I can’t read.

If there was a medication that could heal you of your crazy but it meant you couldn’t enjoy reading, would you take it? I bet most of you wouldn’t.

They never told me this would happen as a side effect. They never told me the side effects. THEY NEVER TOLD ME THE SIDE EFFECTS OF MY MEDICATION.

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My meds are still treating me like shit, as you can tell.

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A (distant) future in grad school?

I just feel kind of lost in life. My job’s not very fulfilling so I’m toying with the idea of getting my PhD but I’d have to study for the GRE and my attention span is not so good because of  my meds. So I guess it will just take longer, a little at a time. I think GRE scores are good for 5 years so I’ll have some time if I can just score well once. Too bad my original good scores expired. I can’t believe it’s been over 5 years since I took the GRE. Damn.

 

But yeah I would really love to do actual research instead of manual labor for a pharmaceutical company. It’s just a totally different degree of cognitive engagement. Academia is more engaging. But it has its cons, as well. Funding is competitive, as a professor. Money is short. I would also have to T.A. to fund myself, and my attention span issue there, plus poor motivation.

 

One possibility, and this is a stretch, is that if my mental illness gets better for some odd reason (off pot for long enough, possibly?), then I can get off my meds and my attention span and motivation will recover. This is a long-term possibility, thinking like years here. But it’s the best one.

What do you think?

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My problem is I need intellectual fulfillment, but my dopamine system is destroyed so I receive no pleasure from actually performing intellectually fulfilling things, and in fact they are painful. It’s a Catch 22 and it ruins my life.

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The problem with having a dopamine deficiency is you don’t find that cozy pleasure from things that you love. You’re part dead inside.

Great medicine.

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My psychiatrist said it sounds like I have mild akathisia. the need to get up and pace back and forth frequently. Mild “ants in your pants” (he likes that phrase, he’s so dumb). He always insists on categorizing things into extreme opposites. Why can’t he understand there’s a middle ground.

But yes, I do have mild akathisia. It’s not fun, having to move around so much. Screws me over at work, too.

Relief when moving.

And low dopamine from the antipsychotic leads to low motivation and difficulty performing normal tasks. Things are just harder for me.

How’s that sound?

What I’m really glad now about though is that I finally understand why I feel this way. It is a side effect of the medication. My mother and my psychiatrist and my  own logic all agree. There’s something really soothing in knowing.