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Hi guys. We’re going on a walk, my brother and I, but possibly not the mother because she’s tired from her night shift. I don’t like tennis, which is unfortunate because it can be a very rewarding sport. I just, at some point in the last few years, I don’t know when exactly, I sort of gave up on hard work. Early retirement, you could call it. I just don’t really think I ever liked it, and if it ever paid off then I have forgotten. So. I just don’t work hard anymore. I’m supposed to be learning C# and Unity to work on a game my mother and I are making, but that’s hard work and the instant I look at a screenshot of the user interface I am overwhelmed like the autistic 29 year old I am.

The medication doesn’t seem to be working all that well. I’m never happy just to be alive. I vape all the time. I’m  going to have to talk about stronger anxiolytics (anti-anxiety meds) with my psychiatrist, probably through a message because I don’t see him for a few more weeks. The most horrifying part is that after all this I still can’t work. There are going to be a lot of people at work, and I’m going to have to dodge a lot of negative energy with my subtle body adjustments. It’s so annoying and physically and energetically taxing, having to be alert and to make these fine muscle coordinations all the time. It’s really energetically costly.

I wish I could write or read or in any way or shape or form enjoy short stories. My brain is just a thing o mush now. I can’t really do anything. Playing music would also be great fun. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m just not a high level person anymore.

Having said all this, I still have nowhere to go, no comfort or solace, and nothing that I can do in any reasonable way. So I guess it’s back to the unreasonably hard task of being alive for no reason in particular.