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Stasis Trap

CONTENT WARNING: Hate speech.


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Morning Update: Nothing Interesting; Too Lazy to Study/Work, But Will Likely Get Around to It; Mega Enjoying Recovery

Hi. Sorry for spamming again. I swear, there has been something not right with my mind, ADHD-like, where a sentence will come to me… but that is all; no more. And I get this irrepressible gut instinct to purge it from my system.

I feel so much mellower today. I hadn’t gotten much sleep the last few days. I don’t like being a freak. I got 7 hours of sleep last night, though.

Ahhh crap, not again. This has got to be longer…

I’ve got to study today. Really don’t want to. Now that I’ve recovered, I need to get myself back into a not-quite-workaholic groove. I need to love what I do, somehow. It’s just, playing one trick on yourself after another, to trick your mind into pushing you where you need to go. Isn’t that sort of… cruel? Something like that?

Wow. So relaxed. This is amazing.

Well… no one actually got angry at me. So I guess it was all paranoia, anyway?

Tough times, folks. I guess I’m not the only one whose had them.

I just feel this stupid rule in my mind that I need to enforce, that I only get like… one post per x hours. Like 2 a day would be a nice starter. Ideally just once, before bed, would be perfect. Just like college. Purge and go to sleep. I do like that word, “purge”. Reminds me of some chromatography equipment we used at work at my last job.

I still can’t believe I recovered. Wait, no, of course I can. Of course I can. Heh.

So yeah, the stupid no-more-than-n-per-day rule stems from a very strong sense of manners in me. It would be polite not to spam all your feeds, honestly. I have a very strong sense of manners and courtesy. If someone gets angry at me, 9/10 chances are they’re just being irrational or paranoid.

I don’t really like chocolate. I know some people can’t get enough. I don’t much understand. It doesn’t taste that good, and it looks the color of moist soil. You like moist soil treats, friend? Oh clever me. How insulting. How droll.

So I guess my work ethic doesn’t just magically come back. I guess I have to force myself, as with all other things. Major bummer.

At least it’s theoretically possible, now.

There was talk with my mom of hopefully finishing the machine learning course to nab a cert. before the interview, but that doesn’t seem doable. Two weeks of material in 3-4 days? Yeah, not doable.

Wait, no… maybe it is. I don’t have a day job, so it… maybe it is?

Maybe?

Great, now I’ve got to poop and it’s really bugging me, but I don’t want to get up.

Ok well nevermind I went to the bathroom.

Riveting stuff.

I sound bored. Am I bored? I can’t tell. I don’t know. Hummm. Hummm.

Yeah, my work ethic has major got to improve if I want this job. Interviewing might not be too difficult, unless it’s an all-day battery after this round (those are tough), but the actual job may prove challenging. I don’t know. Hopefully it’s not so hard. Work is a really difficult thing for me. In general.

I’m really excited I”m going to be saving a whole lot of money on vape juice and kratom now that I won’t be buying kratom at all and vape juice very rarely. Good health is the best budget plan :).

I don’t know what to do… I really don’t…

Too lazy to make a cup of coffee, waiting outside the bathroom to ask my mom to make one for me, she stays in there for like 10 min, I get annoyed and go back upstairs to my room. Yep. It be like that around these parts.

I could live alone now. I really could.

Man, I need a drink. Srsly.

Updates. Inconsequential updates. Let’s just skip it, shall we? No one bothers that I had a bottle of water, so proud of myself for that, or didn’t chug the coffee right away. Or that I nibbled on some string cheese snacks, oh how my appetite is recovering! I’m so proud of myself. But no one bothers about that.

I just want to talk. Allllll the arse-fucking time. To other people. Hmmmmmm. I wonder… Curious, Christopher Robbins, curiouser and curiouser.

My work ethic sucks. Ughhhhh. I wish I wasn’t so stubborn and lazy. This is awful. Utterly downright… bad.

Ughhhhhhhhhh I don’t want to wrrrrriiiiiite what a currrrrse.

My mom (I’m Ukrainian)’s best friend in Ukraine likes to send her tons of memes over phone text. I find this hilarious. A 60 yo Ukrainian woman sending her best friend coronavirus memes. Jesus. I’m about to sneeze it’s so funny.

Eh it’s not that funny.

I don’t wannnnnt to worrrrrrrrrrk. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

It’s okay, I had a coffee and I’ll be into the vibes for the online coursework in no time. I’m also keep up to snuff on my LinkedIn networking stuff. I do a good job, I’d say. I messaged my psycho-chiatrist over the weekend several times. The progress in between the messages was drastic. The last one was something like, “Recovered at approx. 4 PM today. All that’s left is to discuss the taper off the meds. Thanks, [my name signing off]”

I used my nickname for the first time with him.

Radical changes, buckos!

Well, it’s only not even 8 AM yet. There’s time. If I can get to work on the coursework by 9, or even a little after, I’ll be golden.

Went downstairs to grab some more string cheese, couldn’t find any, come back to my room my mom tells me where it is finally, don’t feel like going back downstairs again. It be like that sometimes.

Is my poetry any good? I would love more honest feedback and critique from you guys. Even if it’s yelling at me blatantly saying, “YOU FUCKING SUCK YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT YOU FUCKING SUCK” cuz honestly after being abused by your dad and developing drug-induced schizoaffective disorder for six years, no amount of abuse from anyone could ever hurt, at all. So yeah–please yell at meee! *teehee!*

Or am I raising your suspicion? Hmmm…

Ughhhh sick of all this pretentious artsy farsty garbage nothing photography on my Instagram feed. Can’t people produce anything… not so dramatic? Actually good, for once? It sickens me that success is a measure of popularity and not merit. It’s disgusting. I took better photographs in high school photo studio class. Honestly.

Yes, I’m still here, talking about more or less nothing. Hah. I’m such a loser. :P

I don’t feel so… isolated anymore. I don’t feel well-networked or socially loved, either, but at least I’m not dying of loneliness.

Thanks for your number, C. I appreciate it…

I just want to fall in love and kissy kissy until dawn.

That is all.

#toocool

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My boss abused me today. Today I learned that he is stupid.

Darn.

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Dear Stalker,

n==

nOW i Have to convince myself that I’m not a fraud at work. I heard a term for this condition. “Imposter syndrome.” There it is. I have it. At my job. In the medical field.

I’m gonna have good relations with my boss.

Time to lie in bed and nod a bit.

varjak

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First day at work, readjusting to normal life, etc.

Well, today was my first day back at work. I’d say it was a difficult success.

Difficult because though I’m not having full-blown schizophrenic episodes, I still get this paranoid feeling that I’m receiving a lot of aggression from my coworkers, and there’s always this sexual tension in the air that is really inappropriate for a professional workplace.

I’m still waiting to hear back from the people that find a therapist for me. I’m definitely going to start going to individual therapy. The blanket statement coping mechanisms-deep breathing, awareness of surroundings–from my health insurance provider just doesn’t cut it for me. I need some deep one-on-one analysis of my problems, and I need someone to see things from my side, the side where they are real, where my coworkers really do sexually harass me, and to have someone understand what that’s like and try to help me cope with it instead of blowing it off like typical schizophrenia.

I don’t think I’ll be writing as much poetry anymore now that I’m off leave. It’s just a decision.

I AM glad I’m not sitting around the house all day anymore. There was nothing for me to do here. My mom would say, “Help us get rich by designing the computer game!” but that’s not something I can do. I don’t know why but I can’t force myself to do it. My brain refuses, and I wish it didn’t. I wish I could settle down and enjoy cognitive engagement in intellectually stimulating and creative activities. I think I’m just too simple a person for what she needs out of me.

I’m on the last chapter of the book I’m reading about lesbians. It was a “good” book that I recognized as objectively good, but that I didn’t really enjoy reading. I liked it, but it was more hard work than leisure. I’m saving the last chapter for a good time and I already know the next book I’m going to read. It’s in the family’s personal library, or from rather. Apparently it’s 50 years old, first publication.

I have to go to the gym now. Gotta cut out the belly fat. It’s taking so long… But I increased my dose of cardio recently so that should help.

Bye for now.

varjak

 

PS: I’ve decided that my boss is a good person and I’m going to be more communicative with him from now on. i think that can help me. I need someone to rely on.